I Know How to Push the Elevator Button.

Photographic evidence that I know how to push the elevator button.

Dear Men,

I have spent a lot of time in elevator banks with many of you. Sure, I never looked up from my phone, or, in its absence, my shoes, in order to acknowledge your presence, but I did know you were there. And I know that in the future, I will see many more of you in various elevator banks in various buildings in cities around the world, and so I am acknowledging you now in this letter to tell you something very important.


I know how to push the button for the elevator.

Why, you may be asking, am I telling you this? Well, I've sensed some doubt from many of you. Yes, I admit to pretending you were not there, but I did see you. Doubting. Questioning. Wondering. But you need not continue. I want you all to be assured that I am highly experienced in pushing the elevator for the button, and you can trust me to continue to do so effectively.

I've got this.

In fact, I recently demonstrated my ability to push the elevator button earlier today in my apartment building. I walked through the lobby to the elevator bank, saw the button─  the only button, as I was at ground level and the only way to go was up─  and I pushed the aforementioned button. Then, instantly, the light around the button turned on to signify my success in this endeavor. As I waited, however, for one of the building's elevators to descend from any of the building's 50 floors, the man that I pretended I did not see standing beside me grew agitated. From my peripheral vision, I saw him pace, fidget, look around in all directions and, finally, seeing no sign (other than the down-facing arrows in the screens above the elevators marking their progress) signifying that the elevator was on its way, he looked at me, the person he had seen push the elevator less than a minute earlier. Receiving no affirmation from me, he made a small hmmph sound before walking up to the button and pressing it again.

This is offensive.

I will try not to take it personally. Maybe, after all, this man was not aware that I know how to press the elevator button. So I'll say once and for all: I do.

I am proud to say that I have been pressing the button for the elevator for more than twenty years. Indeed, it was one of my favorite pastimes as a child. Born to supportive parents who encouraged all my ambitions, I began pressing the button at a very young age. Though many obstacles stood in my way ─ namely very tall people who formed a human barricade between me and the button, and my older sister, who also wanted to push the button ─ I persevered and eventually became the elevator-button-pushing expert that I am today.

So chill. I know it must be hard having to wait for the elevator before you can go home to your video games, online stalking and Cheetos, but good things come to those who wait. And if you can't wait, maybe don't move into a building with 50 floors. Or, simply do as I do and stare at your phone for 20 seconds until, at long last, the elevator (which I sent for by pushing the button) arrives. Bing.

And now, a series of elevator selfies. I always knew these would prove useful someday.