An un-exhaustive guide to LA's neighborhoods

LA can be terrifying. It's a sprawling, foggy desert metropolis with approximately 14 million neighborhoods, each attracting and subsequently breeding their own unique brand of weirdo. I've still never been to 3/4 of LA's suburbs, including any of the Valley or anything south of Marina Del Rey, which is why this neighborhood guide leaves out all of those random places-- if I haven't had reason to go there in three years of residency, you definitely don't need to go there on your vacation. You don't even need to go to most of the places I listed. Ok, so this introduction is more exhaustive than the list. Here goes:


Baldwin Hills
I'm just going to say it. Black Beverly Hills. There, I said it. Baldwin Hills is where Clueless's Dionne and Murray would have lived happily ever after they grew up and got married, huffing and puffing on The Stairs for their morning workouts in his and her's Yeezys.

Bel-Air
True story: one time I ran into Will Smith at the Hotel Bel Air (the only thing in Bel-Air that is not a private residence) and was like, dude, don't you live right down the street? Because I'm an idiot.

Beverly Grove
There's a saying among locals that it takes twenty minutes to get anywhere, but this is only true if you live in the Beverly Grove area, which you would only do because you don't want to pay for parking at the Grove or because you gave up on your apartment search and finally decided just to move into the Palazzo.

Beverly Hills
Rodeo Drive, Spago, Real Housewives, general splendor, you know.

Brentwood
Not as glamorous as Beverly Hills, not as beachy as Santa Monica. Brentwood is stuck in the middle of these two superior cities, literally, and no single or remotely fun person has any reason to go there, unless you work as a nanny for a celebrity couple.

Century City
People in West LA hate East LA, so instead of schlepping downtown for work everyday, they made their own downtown, Beverly Hills adjacent Century City. I think 90 percent of it taken up by CAA and the other 10 percent is the mall.

Culver City
When I first moved to LA, I got really lost a few times and wound up here. That's the sum of my experience with Culver City.

DTLA
Apparently there are really great restaurants downtown, but I'll probably never know because I seldom go that far east. Loft living isn't my thing. Neither is basketball.

Echo Park
If a friend ever invites you to their home in Echo Park and offers you coffee, chances are it's made from wildly expensive coffee beans and served in a cup they picked up while backpacking through South America.

Fairfax
If you want to feel like you're in the city without the the thriving homeless scene, go to Fairfax and get an overpriced burrito... that's totally worth it.

Hollywood
Another thriving homeless scene, also full of people who simply appear homeless, also full of tourists from middle America, also full of people who are about to be homeless so they create a kickstarter campaign for a "mystery project" that's forever "under construction" just so they can afford ubers to and from In & Out.

North Hollywood
Dream hard, grunge hard, nap hard, and doing all of it in the same pair of Old Navy pants. Good luck with your band and all, people of NoHo.

Santa Monica
If wearing yoga pants all day, every day, even your wedding day is your dream, Santa Monica is your dream come true.

Silver Lake
Some say it's for New York transplants who miss the East Coast. I say it's for people who shop at American Apparel.

Venice
Here, "Dude" is a formal address and people work out like it's their job. Because they don't have an actual job. At least, that was the case until the advent of Silicon Beach.

West Hollywood
Hot people at hot restaurants with whatever money they have leftover after paying their daily parking tickets. Welcome to my neighborhood.

Westwood
The land of dorms. Dorms for UCLA students. Dorms for the elderly. Dorms for Persians who blew their entire income on a Ferrari and are now living in, well, a dorm.